The grieving continues... 
The hole is slowly, very slowly disappearing
As I do things around the house it is hard to ignore the many little things Erich as The Shop Elf, would do for me or for us.

Feeding Boots several times a day
Getting the mail
Cleaning Boots' litterbox
Taking out the garbage and weekly putting the garbage can out for pickup
Making dinner together
Going grocery shopping together
Kissing me goodnight as I flopped into bed at 10pm and he stayed up until 1am
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Here's the big one - MAKING ME/US coffee in the morning.
The coffee maker holds enough water (48 ounces) for about 5 large mugs of coffee which means I am filling the reservoir every 2-3 days and I am getting annoyed at it and the reservoir has not handle so it is difficult to fill from the fridge. So today I treated my self to a new coffee maker with a much larger reservoir which HAS a handle and holds 78 ounces, to go along with all the coffee pods I have.  

The existing coffee maker will be moved into the studio for when I am working in there OR upstairs in the family room for early morning news watching. 

Dealing with Grief is like a roller coaster ride. 
There are days of ups and downs
Then there are days you think you have gotten off but in fact, you are just at the back of the line waiting for another go.
It can take months if not years to finally have your ticket fully punched.

Last week I was doing well. I was back to cleaning the house and taking things to be donated. In the evening I was watching some of our favorite shows and life felt good. 

Thursday I went to San Antonio, to the Tobin Center, to see a talk by Neil deGrasse Tyson. I had given Erich his latest book to read; which he did enjoy, and then found out about the talk but had not bought the tickets before Erich passed away. In February I decided to go, by myself, and I did have a wonderful time BUT - All through the talk I kept wanting to lean over and whisper in Erich's ear and I almost did it to the man sitting next to me.  It was on the way home that I found myself back on the roller coaster; it's been 5 days and it hasn't stopped - crying at odd times, feeling sad, wanting to avoid things, hurting, and more.   

I am just sit for the next few days and go with it since pushing it down and avoiding it only delays and slows down the recovery process. 

​I will let you know how it goes...

It's almost but not quite 3 months since my life shifted.

Looking at my To-Do list, I have checked off 71 items and only have a few items left and those are not getting accomplished by me since I am waiting on others who have official things to take care of.
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I have bad days and good days and there were weeks when it was only bad days. Recently I have noticed that l am having many more good days and I do feel happier. I can also tell because I am not avoiding things and I am now working on a list of things to do around the house as everything stopped in January.  First on this list is to start/resume cleaning the house and donating the items we moved here 6 years ago that we didn't use as well as going through Erich's clothing and his other stuff. 

As I find multiples of things Erich collected (i.e. hoarded) I have been giving some these items to friends, if they could use it; so far I have passed out magnifying lenses, personal head lamps, flashlights, radios, pocket knives, dosimeters (yes he was worried about that), cans of Spam and more. I know there are things I have not discovered yet so the fun and head scratching will continue.

This is the last picture I took of Erich and Boots, just days before he passed.

Erich and I really enjoyed going on road trips together - seeing new things; stopping at bad tourist spots; rock hounding and taking pictures of interesting road cuts; hours of talking to each other about this, that, and the other things; and just being together!

For our road trips we would use Erich's blue Subaru Baja (a.k.a Babe the Blue Ox) since it had a shell over the truck bed and the AWD allowed us to get up old roads for when we did go looking for rocks plus it could hold all the rock stuff we needed better than my Prius C (a.k.a Brienne of Tarth).   

Last week I decided that I don't need two cars and between Erich's which was almost 20 years old and had 113,000 miles on it plus it needs some work. My car is almost 10 years old with 115,000 miles I had to decide which car(s) to keep. After much pondering I have decided to sell both cars and get something new that would probably be my LAST car; because no matter which car I did keep I would have to either have repairs and/or get something else within the next 5 years so why not get it now.  

I spend several days playing with searching for a car that would suit my needs

• something that would have a higher ground clearance due to rain, snow and possible local flooding
• All Wheel Drive (AWD)
• good cargo space for hauling stuff and road trips
• rear fold down seats (60/40) for extra space
• good visibility out all windows
• very comfortable seats with good leg room and support
• Keyless entry and start if possible but not a hard requirement
• Hybrid if possible but not a hard requirement
• Power seats if possible but not a hard requirement

Well when I looked I was shocked, shocked I say at the prices! So I lowered my expectations and removed the hybrid, keyless systems and power seats. I eventually settled upon the Subaru CrossTrek base model.

Friday I cleaned out Erich's car and on Saturday I took it to the local Subaru dealer to sell it and test drive the CrossTrek. I got a few thousand for it which I felt was fair considering the things that needed repairing and then I looked at 2 Cross Treks; I could not drive them as they had been sold and there were no other ones on the lot nor were there any base models in the San Antonio area. The salesman priced the model (no extras but the color I wanted) and said it would be a 3 - 4 month delivery window and that I could put a $500 refundable order deposit down and I would be notified when it had arrived and oh it would be a 2024 version; which I did do. This order window then allows me to rearrange my finances so I can pay CASH and figure out how much the trade in value for my Prius would be.

By the way here is a list of every car I ever owned and their name if they had one:
1974: 1965 Chevy Corvair Convertible (rebuild by my father) - The Jobber
1976: 1965 Chevy Impala (rebuild by my father) - The Boat
1979: 1977 Chevy Vega (rebuild by my father) - Brown Bomb
​1980: 1978 Honda Hawk 400 Motorcycle - The Jackrabbit
1981: Renault 11 (Brand New) - Renny
1987: Toyota Supra
1990: Nissan Axxess
​2000: Camry LE
2005: Mitsubishi Galant - Johnny Winter
2009: Honda Fit - Mr. Weasly
2014: 2014 Prius C - Brienne of Tarth

Today I attacked cleaning Erich's car - a 2006 Subaru Baja that we used for rock hounding and road trips.
I started by emptying the glove compartment, door pockets, the front and back seat consoles, then under the front seats, behind the read seats, and in the flat bed area that has a shell on it.

Here is what I found (the big items have been put away and are not in the picture above. 
And if you are thinking, what I am thinking - "You could knock someone out, kill them and bury them with all of this" - then go right ahead!

• The compress air tank with no air
• 2 pick axes
• 3 shovels
• 4 crow bars
• 3 tarps
• 2 dozen bungie chords
• 5 flat tire repair kits
• Bleach
• 2 tie down straps
• 1 package of Industrial strength Duct (cable) ties
• 2 two gallon gas containers, no gas
• a pipe wrench
• a lead mallet
• a funnel
• an empty bottle of engine oil
• 2 - 3 dozens of Power/Energy bars that are so old they could be used for bricks
• a Geiger Counter
• 7 Dosimeters and 2 calibration units
• 2 different types of can openers (but no canned food)
• 2 cans of bug spray 
• 8 magnifying lenses
• 1 dozen roller ball pens
• 3 sharpies 
• 3 screw drivers
• a crescent wrench
• 5 heavy duty pocket knives
• 4 pairs of reading glasses
• 3 tire pressure gauges
• a roll of duct table
• a tape measure
• 5 mylar emergency blanket
• 2 lasers (red and green)
• 2 flashlights in assorted shapes and sizes 
• 7 cigarette lighters
• a fork, knife and spoon
• 2 calculators
• 2 AM/FM radios and 2 weather radios all double wrapped in aluminum foil
• batteries in all shapes and sizes and most are leaking
• foam ear plugs
• a socket wrench set
• and hundreds of pieces of nicotine gum and most so old they too could be used for bricks.

But NO guns or ammo <whew!>
And the icing on the cake - $300 in 20's!!!!!

I came to realize that my life is kinda divided into 30 some-odd year increments - like mortgages and T-Bills but I can't refinance or invest more.

Let's review why I think this.

• I lived life as a single person for 32 years before meeting Erich. Yes, I hade my parents, my sister, various roommates, boy friends (live in and not).
• Then I met Erich and we got married and lived a wonderful like together for 35+ years

That's TWO 30+ year segments.

I plan on living at least another 30+ years and with luck maybe (??) 40 as I would like to live to be at least 100.

​So what's instore for me, over the next 30 years??
I have my arts & crafts, I read, I have my friends, I would like to take long trip to Japan but what's hovering just over the horizon that would be new to me?? Only time will tell

.."being a Prepper"?  I am going with the first one since it sounds nicer and the second makes the Shop Elf sound too weird and out there.

Note: Erich was born at the end of the Great Depression and grew up during WWII so I am going with that as the reason why.

Back in late October 2022 I started to do a full house cleaning; we had been here 5+ years and I knew there was lots of stuff that we really didn't use or need despite having done a major purge for month before the move.
By New Years I had done all the big rooms - living, dining, kitchen, bedrooms, family and it was time to move onto the pantry, hall closets, the loom room, my studio and the shop elf's workshop. 

Then IT happened and everything ground to a halt. In between all the arrangements I am slowly addressing the OTHER stuff that has to be done like TAXES, grocery shopping, laundry, dishes, gassing the car, cleaning the litter box, getting the mail; it is amazing all the stuff he did for US, around the house.
Plus I have to change account names, cancel services and credit cards, etc.

In-between that I will occasionally look in his desk, closet, the pantry, or workshop and here are the things I have found that has stocked up on: (I know there will be more)

• Nicorette Gum (Coleman Ice Chest Full!!)
• Pasta (Coleman Ice Chest Full!!)
• Rice and Beans (Coleman Ice Chest Full!!)
• Batteries (Coleman Ice Chest Full!!)
• Spam
• Coffee
• Salmon
  
• Paper goods like TP and towels
• Plastic bags of all shapes and sizes
• Water - bottled and a Jerry Can
• Protein Shakes
• Protein Powders
• Vitamins and Mineral Supplements
• Geiger Counters - yes we have THREE
• LED Flashlights
• Other emergency lamp/lights
• Propane Tanks (I can use this up in the studio)
• Electronic Components: Resisters, Capacitors, etc..
• Glad ware (disposable plastic tubs)
• Stamps
• Permanent Markers
• Light Bulbs
• First Aid Items - band aides, gauze pads, tape, rubbing alcohol, hydrogen peroxide, iodine tablets, Neosporin, old antibiotics cause you never know!
• Other Bathroom items - bars of soap, toothpaste, toothbrushes, disposable razors, Mucinex, and more.

Update: 2023-February-06
I have now found a hoard of

• Magnifying glasses and loops
• Staples
• Post-It notes
• Solar calculators
• Highlighters
• Pentel Rolling Ball pens - red and black
• Push Pins

I might not have to buy these things for months if not YEARS!!

Well, I had my "GwtW" moment the other night.

I was watching Finding your Roots on PBS.  I won't go into the details of exactly what the episode was about but suddenly I found myself mad, crying. upset, and saying out loud - WHY NOW !!!

Coincidently my sister texted to see how I was doing, which as you can tell wasn't great, so she called and we had a great chat.  Somewhere during this Boots came into the room and settled on my lap so that also gave me comfort.

I know this will go on for a while but now I feel like I can start to move forward and take care of business.

Enjoy these pictures of the Shop Elf that were taken through the years during various trips we took

Someone recently asked how The Shop Elf and I met; again sit back and read on.

Back in 1987 a friend (Gylver) invited me over to their place in Orange County, for a bicycle ride, along with some other friends from when we all lived in Santa Barbara as well as some of their newer friends who also rode. It was late September.
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On the appointed day, I and my 21 gear bicycle arrived at the Gyl's home. Art, a mutual friend also from Santa Barbara, was there as well as this guy named Erich. No one else showed up during the hour we waited so all 4 of us took off and an hour or so later it started to rain so we headed back to Gyl's to have early dinner, conversation and eventually I headed home.   The next day I received a call from Erich and we spent quite a few hours talking on the phone and we decided to meet for dinner during the weekend. 

For our "date" we met at a restaurant that was equidistant as he lived in Tustin and I was in Temecula which is  60+ miles apart; it went well. When he asked about us meeting again in a few days, I had to say no, only weekends as I just started graduate schools and was very busy between work and classes; he understood.

One thing led to another and about a month later, in October he asked me to move in with him but I said no because of grad school, work and that I had lived with my last boyfriend for several months and that had not ended well. Again he understood. We would see each other almost every weekend and would talk for hours on the phone during the week.

At the start of November he proposed saying he "knew"; I also knew and so I said yes. We discussed many things and decided to elope over the Thanksgiving weekend as it was soonest for me to have a break in school and the best time to sneak off. 

We found a Rabbi and with Gylver as best man we got married exactly 2 months after we met; the rest is history.

Here he is during a road trip to the Arizona in 2010

I can't watch this movie at the moment and  no women in our family can watch it without tissues being at hand. 

Why, well sit back and I will reveal the reason.

Back in my early teen years Gone with the Wind (GwtW) was going to be shown at the local movie theatre with a 2 hour intermission for lunch. It was on a weekday any my mom said I would not be going to school that day so she could take me to see it. Note 1: I like going to school but when your mom says it's a girl day why argue. My sister had done this with my mother several years earlier and before we left she said " make sure mom has tissue"; was confused as to why and this statement went in one ear and out the other. 

The day arrives and we head into town and we get popcorn and settle into our seats and soon the lights go down the curtain was raised, the opening music starts and the intro credits start to scroll. Within minutes I hear my mom sniff and as the movie went on she was sniffling more and eventually she got up and then came back with a wad of toilet paper. Note 2: It was that thin Soviet Union type of TP. Intermission soon arrived and over lunch she did not explain, when I asked about what was going on but said she would explain on the way home and that I should just enjoy the movie. During the second half the sniffling changed to actual crying. I can and do acknowledge there are sad and emotional sections I still could not comprehend what was going on with my mother. By the time the movie was over and we headed to the car her eyes were very red and her nose was raw from that toilet paper in lieu of tissues.

On the way home, I again asked what was going on and she said something like "You might not understand now, but you will when I am gone!" - WTF MOM??!! Note 3: Being a young girl in the 60's I did not actually think that but you get get it. Then she proceeded to explain that HER mom had passed away when she was 12-ish and that she had seen the movie (released in 1939) around then; I do not know if she saw it with her mother or she saw it after her mother passed but every time she watches the movie all the grief and pain wells up and she can't NOT cry. Oh, and that is how I learned that my grandmother was her step-mom making her my step-grandmother and that my uncle was her half brother; it was a very strange day.

Years later, when GwtW was released to TV (1976) my sister and I made sure she had an entire box of tissue ready.

Then my father passed in 1988 and my mother passed in 1992 and NOW I understand; I was watching a movie yesterday, it was NOT GwtW, and someone died in the movie and I started to cry and changed the channel. 

I will NOT be watching GwtW any time soon.

Picture of Carol Burnett in the curtain dress from the the famous Went with the Wind parody (1976).