I am feeling rather normal these days and so I am going to try to resume a normal life and not mope around the house and do only what's necessary. 

Last week I vacuumed the carpets which I admit hasn't been done in 6+ months. I also vacuumed and washed the main floor tiles.  The next big task on the list is (was) to clean/organize the walk in closet in the bedroom. I am leaving that for next year as I have maxed out the amount of donation dollars I can claim on my taxes. I am moving on to the Family room now which has bookshelves, my knitting and sewing stuff but I am not going to spend 2-3 solid days on it. Over the next week I am going to only do about an hour and then relax and work on my knitting.

To also return to normal, I am going to speak to the nutritionist I worked with in 2021/2022 to get into shape before I did my walk in Scotland.  Let's just say all the gains I made have rolled back and then some. We are talking next week and I will attempt to get some early morning walking in despite the massive heat wave and drought we are having at the moment. This will also help me when I am at the gorge as I am quite tired after a work session and can't keep up with the guys.

I am also going to do a very short term web project for a friend and get paid!

To close, here's a photo of Cowboy Boots

It's now been six months and life slowly creeps forward. 
I still miss Erich, tremendously. I want to find him reading in the living room; bringing me a cuppa coffee when I am working on the computer; asking me to go with him grocery shopping; watching our favorite shows together and discussing them. 

But, no, he's not here.  So...

• I continue to clean, organize, purge and make various repairs around the house. I am almost done with the rooms that are lived in then I will tackle the loom room, my studio, and the sun porch which is a mess of spider webs, leaves and misc. dirt that has blown in when I keep the outside door open.
• Cowboy Boots is now MY best buddy - sleeping with me at night, waking me at sunrise to feed her, snuggling on my lap while "we" watch TV. 
• I continue to slowly reading the letters Erich sent to his mom while he was in the Navy - it is a way to learn about him when he as younger that somehow he didn't share or I didn't ask about. I find things that have influenced and shaped him into the man I married.
• I continue volunteer at the Canyon Lake Gorge 1 day a week and I expect to keep this on my schedule for quite a while as it get's me out of the house and I am making new friends.
• I go to a gathering of fellow knitters 1 or 2 days a week, one is here in Canyon Lake and the other is down in New Braufels and again, I am getting out of the house and interacting with other people and make new friends.
• I go to lunch, dinner, concerts or other events with Gylver & Joan. I have known them for over 40 years and who moved here, also from California, are very supportive and always up for something. 
• And I am again working on my software project which I can do to avoid everything else.

So I kinda have a routine and a normal life but there are so many things I am still not doing (again/yes) but are planning. I see a road trip or two in my future; finishing a weaving project that has been on the loom since before the pandemic; finishing the Great Wedding Quilt for my niece; making metal stuff; hiking some Texas trails....

There were two things left on my "Death" To-Do list that I decided to take care of last week and OH BOY did I wander into TWO clusterfucks. The first was getting the name on the DirecTV account changed and the second was getting the autopsy report and the items the police took almost SIX months ago; so sit back and enjoy the saga. The .5 CF is detailed at the very end.

CF#1
On Tuesday I called DirecTV to get the name on "our" account changed to my name because every time I logged into the account to change the profile it said "You are being redirected to AT&T" and when the AT&T website would load I was immediately redirected to DirecTV and then I was in an infinite loop. Way back when, we did have an AT&T account for my mobile phone and so when AT&T bought DirecTV, the accounts where tied together so we only got one bill. Last year I cancelled my AT&T service and moved over to Mint to save beaucoup bucks which I think was the root of the problem as we (I) no longer had an AT&T account despite the fact that the bill for DirecTV still came from them. I called DirecTV and spoke to customer service (person #1) and they transferred me to billing (person #2) who proceeded to tell me about the flag which tied the two systems together and that it was tech support who would have to change that and I was transferred again and was put on hold and then the call was dropped. I called back and recounted the entire process to the person (#3) on the other end and was transferred, again, to AT&T billing and they said since I could not get into the account they (#4) would help me reset my account user name and password (of which I did not have) so once again I explained that I need to only get a DirecTV bill as I no longer had an AT&T account FOR A MOBILE PHONE; so they was transferred back to DirecTV and dropped AGAIN <GRRRRR>. I went to get another cuppa joe and call again though I thought hitting myself on the head with a hammer might be less painful. I tried a different tactic when I called back this time; after getting a customer representative on the phone (person #5 and call #3 and an hour later) I said I was going to explain the issue and what happened and that I needed them to repeat it back to me so I knew they understood the problem which I did and they repeated back and seem to understand. I then said that IF I had to be transferred again, I expected her to stay on the line so she could feel the pain I was going through too and could she do that; the response was "Yes". She asked me to hold while she contacted billing to see it the mystery flag could be removed and 10+ minutes later DirecTV said it was an AT&T issue. She then put me on hold again while she spoke to AT&T billing and another 15 minutes later it turns out they couldn't but it would be their tech group to talk to as this might be an actual into the database change.  So I was put on hold a third time while she spoke to someone else and another 15+ minutes later (45 min so far) my person returns and says Nope, can't be done and that the solution was to create me a new DirecTV account, move all my existing equipment info and my username/password and account details to it and delete the current account. At that point I agreed and it was done with no interruption of service - CF total: 3 calls, 5 people I spoke to, 2 call drops, 3+ times put on hold and TWO HOURS of time!!

CF#2
The other task I did was to call the Detective who was handling the details of Erich's case. I had been told that I could get his effects back after the autopsy was completed. I called in February and Detective F. told me that the autopsy was being done by the Hays County Medical Examiner office because they were contracted to do so by Comal County and that I could take a month or more since it was not a criminal case. I called again in March, April and May - usually in the first week of the month. Since it was the end of May I decided to call again to follow up as I was getting rather annoyed that it was almost SIX months! Well, Detective F. did not answer the phone but Detective B did and he informed me that Detective F. had left. I asked who was handling my case and he looked it up and it had not been assigned to anyone but he would try to assist. I recanted what I had done with my calls and asked when would the autopsy report be completed and could he call Hays and find out. He said that they don't call and that when they know then I will be called. At that point I asked for the Hays County Medical Examiner office telephone number so I could call them directly. Which I did. The person on the phone said that 1) the report had been completed on April 28th (WTF!! since I spoke to Detective F after that) and that 2) the reports are NOT sent to the Sheriffs office but to the Judge for my area to have an inquest sign off, 3) the Hays County computer system does not talk to Comal County, it is email to the Judge's office and 4) she gave me the Judge District office to call; which I did. Upon calling the District office, I spoke to Shirley who said yes, she had it and could come by and get a free copy and no, they don't send it to the Sherriff's office they call for it and no, the computer systems don't talk to each other such that a Sheriff would be automatically notified it had be entered and completed. I asked Shirley if should be so kind as to email it to Detective B. so everything could be closed and I could put this all to rest (yes that is a pun) which she agreed to do.  I received a call from Detective B later in the day that I could go to the Sheriff's office and talk to the Evidence department to get Erich's things. And thus I found a major gap in the Comal county system - my case was not reassigned (Issue #1) and the sheriff is the one to make called and find that the autopsy report has been completed by the Judge's court. Why don't the systems talk to each other (Issue #2) so so many people don't have to make so many calls?? 
 
CF#0.5
After the events earlier in the day, I went to the library for a knit and sit meetup. While there I was working on my big chunky sideways knit sweater which I had not touched in over a month because I had be working on a baby sweater. I had already knit the right sleeve and shoulder and done the split for the front and back plus I had knit the front half. I was working on the back when I put the project down. To resume, I laid the project out on a table and verified where I was on the back with the instruction and realized that even though I though i was ready to start the increases to then rejoin the front on back the number of rows on the back was wrong. I then looked at what was going on with front - between the actual knit and the pattern and it was wrong so I figured I would rip out rows on the front to the mid-point there and get the front and back even. As I was putting the stitches back on the needles, I realized the stitch count on the front half was wrong; then I counted the stitches on the back and it was wrong too PLUS when added together the total count was also WRONG. I was not having a good day and since the 3 hours of the meeting was over and everyone else was ready to leave I decided to go home and sort this out on the kitchen table. When I got time I took some time to calm down with Boots as petting and scratching her always helps along with a glass of wine. I cleared the table and laid out the sweater and looked for where I had messed up and could not find it so my assumption was that I did the split and decreases wrong; it was time to rip out both the front and back to that split point; it was time for a second glass of wine. Some time later I was done and had the correct number of stitches on the needle along with the stitch markers; I was one row back/before where the split was to occur. I had a large pile of yarn on the table so I left it and then made dinner as it was now 6:30 pm and I went upstairs to relax and watch TV. This was Tuesday, I spent the weekend re-knitting the front and now I am half way done with it (again). The pulled out yarn is on the swift to allow the yarn to relax and the kinks to disappear. I also re-wrote the instructions for the front and back with the increases and decreases so I can easily track where I am and not make the same mistake again. 

Earlier in the month I took a long break from cleaning/sorting/purging the house. I was very tired and overwhelmed and found myself falling asleep on the couch in the afternoon; I took the hint.

I decided that it was time take a break and to (re) watch the newer Star Trek series - Discovery, Picard, and Strange New Worlds and knit along with taking a nap if I found myself sleepy. 

Note: I am a Star Trek fan having grown up with it; I like Star Wars but I came out when I was at university so it had less of an impact on me. I should say it was NOT Uhura that influenced me as many people would say due to her being the lead female on the show; no, it was SCOTTY and SPOCK - the engineer and the scientist that resonated with me.

I started with Picard where I rewatched the first season and I found a scene where Picard says:
    "I haven't been living. I've been waiting to die."
Oh, did this hit home. Not that I have been waiting to die BUT I certainly haven't been living the past few months; I have just been going through the motions of living. 

Next I watched Discovery, again starting with the first season which I had seen when it first came out and after that I watched Strange New Worlds and Boots would watch the TV whenever Pike was on.

All the shows helped me get involved with the characters and experience a wide range of emotions where I cried, laughed, yelled at "people", said their lines before they did, and cuddled with Boots and started to heal.

My routine was (is) - Boots wakes me around 630am but I would stay in bed until 7 or 730. Then we went downstairs and I fed her, made myself a cup coffee, make breakfast, read the news and take care of a few tasks: finances, laundry, dishwasher, litterbox, garbage, email, etc. Then it was go upstairs to the family room and watch the morning news and weather and knit, then turn on Star Trek. At mid-day it was time for lunch and give Boots more food and watch more ST and possibly take a nap for about an hour followed by dinner for me and Boots and return to what ever series and season I was on. I would stop about 10 pm, watch the evening news and weather and then to bed! On Tuesday I would go to lunch with Gylver and Joan and do the grocery shopping or some other errand in town on my way home. Thursdays was "stitch and bitch" at the knitting store and then over to Gylver and Joan's for dinner and either a board game or a jig-saw puzzle (this would take a few weeks for us to do) until dark then home to feed Boots and go to bed.

I am now, emotionally feeling much better; there is still a ways to go but that hole is much much smaller

The grieving continues... 
The hole is slowly, very slowly disappearing
As I do things around the house it is hard to ignore the many little things Erich as The Shop Elf, would do for me or for us.

Feeding Boots several times a day
Getting the mail
Cleaning Boots' litterbox
Taking out the garbage and weekly putting the garbage can out for pickup
Making dinner together
Going grocery shopping together
Kissing me goodnight as I flopped into bed at 10pm and he stayed up until 1am
​
Here's the big one - MAKING ME/US coffee in the morning.
The coffee maker holds enough water (48 ounces) for about 5 large mugs of coffee which means I am filling the reservoir every 2-3 days and I am getting annoyed at it and the reservoir has not handle so it is difficult to fill from the fridge. So today I treated my self to a new coffee maker with a much larger reservoir which HAS a handle and holds 78 ounces, to go along with all the coffee pods I have.  

The existing coffee maker will be moved into the studio for when I am working in there OR upstairs in the family room for early morning news watching. 

Dealing with Grief is like a roller coaster ride. 
There are days of ups and downs
Then there are days you think you have gotten off but in fact, you are just at the back of the line waiting for another go.
It can take months if not years to finally have your ticket fully punched.

Last week I was doing well. I was back to cleaning the house and taking things to be donated. In the evening I was watching some of our favorite shows and life felt good. 

Thursday I went to San Antonio, to the Tobin Center, to see a talk by Neil deGrasse Tyson. I had given Erich his latest book to read; which he did enjoy, and then found out about the talk but had not bought the tickets before Erich passed away. In February I decided to go, by myself, and I did have a wonderful time BUT - All through the talk I kept wanting to lean over and whisper in Erich's ear and I almost did it to the man sitting next to me.  It was on the way home that I found myself back on the roller coaster; it's been 5 days and it hasn't stopped - crying at odd times, feeling sad, wanting to avoid things, hurting, and more.   

I am just sit for the next few days and go with it since pushing it down and avoiding it only delays and slows down the recovery process. 

​I will let you know how it goes...

It's almost but not quite 3 months since my life shifted.

Looking at my To-Do list, I have checked off 71 items and only have a few items left and those are not getting accomplished by me since I am waiting on others who have official things to take care of.
​
I have bad days and good days and there were weeks when it was only bad days. Recently I have noticed that l am having many more good days and I do feel happier. I can also tell because I am not avoiding things and I am now working on a list of things to do around the house as everything stopped in January.  First on this list is to start/resume cleaning the house and donating the items we moved here 6 years ago that we didn't use as well as going through Erich's clothing and his other stuff. 

As I find multiples of things Erich collected (i.e. hoarded) I have been giving some these items to friends, if they could use it; so far I have passed out magnifying lenses, personal head lamps, flashlights, radios, pocket knives, dosimeters (yes he was worried about that), cans of Spam and more. I know there are things I have not discovered yet so the fun and head scratching will continue.

This is the last picture I took of Erich and Boots, just days before he passed.

Erich and I really enjoyed going on road trips together - seeing new things; stopping at bad tourist spots; rock hounding and taking pictures of interesting road cuts; hours of talking to each other about this, that, and the other things; and just being together!

For our road trips we would use Erich's blue Subaru Baja (a.k.a Babe the Blue Ox) since it had a shell over the truck bed and the AWD allowed us to get up old roads for when we did go looking for rocks plus it could hold all the rock stuff we needed better than my Prius C (a.k.a Brienne of Tarth).   

Last week I decided that I don't need two cars and between Erich's which was almost 20 years old and had 113,000 miles on it plus it needs some work. My car is almost 10 years old with 115,000 miles I had to decide which car(s) to keep. After much pondering I have decided to sell both cars and get something new that would probably be my LAST car; because no matter which car I did keep I would have to either have repairs and/or get something else within the next 5 years so why not get it now.  

I spend several days playing with searching for a car that would suit my needs

• something that would have a higher ground clearance due to rain, snow and possible local flooding
• All Wheel Drive (AWD)
• good cargo space for hauling stuff and road trips
• rear fold down seats (60/40) for extra space
• good visibility out all windows
• very comfortable seats with good leg room and support
• Keyless entry and start if possible but not a hard requirement
• Hybrid if possible but not a hard requirement
• Power seats if possible but not a hard requirement

Well when I looked I was shocked, shocked I say at the prices! So I lowered my expectations and removed the hybrid, keyless systems and power seats. I eventually settled upon the Subaru CrossTrek base model.

Friday I cleaned out Erich's car and on Saturday I took it to the local Subaru dealer to sell it and test drive the CrossTrek. I got a few thousand for it which I felt was fair considering the things that needed repairing and then I looked at 2 Cross Treks; I could not drive them as they had been sold and there were no other ones on the lot nor were there any base models in the San Antonio area. The salesman priced the model (no extras but the color I wanted) and said it would be a 3 - 4 month delivery window and that I could put a $500 refundable order deposit down and I would be notified when it had arrived and oh it would be a 2024 version; which I did do. This order window then allows me to rearrange my finances so I can pay CASH and figure out how much the trade in value for my Prius would be.

By the way here is a list of every car I ever owned and their name if they had one:
1974: 1965 Chevy Corvair Convertible (rebuild by my father) - The Jobber
1976: 1965 Chevy Impala (rebuild by my father) - The Boat
1979: 1977 Chevy Vega (rebuild by my father) - Brown Bomb
​1980: 1978 Honda Hawk 400 Motorcycle - The Jackrabbit
1981: Renault 11 (Brand New) - Renny
1987: Toyota Supra
1990: Nissan Axxess
​2000: Camry LE
2005: Mitsubishi Galant - Johnny Winter
2009: Honda Fit - Mr. Weasly
2014: 2014 Prius C - Brienne of Tarth

Today I attacked cleaning Erich's car - a 2006 Subaru Baja that we used for rock hounding and road trips.
I started by emptying the glove compartment, door pockets, the front and back seat consoles, then under the front seats, behind the read seats, and in the flat bed area that has a shell on it.

Here is what I found (the big items have been put away and are not in the picture above. 
And if you are thinking, what I am thinking - "You could knock someone out, kill them and bury them with all of this" - then go right ahead!

• The compress air tank with no air
• 2 pick axes
• 3 shovels
• 4 crow bars
• 3 tarps
• 2 dozen bungie chords
• 5 flat tire repair kits
• Bleach
• 2 tie down straps
• 1 package of Industrial strength Duct (cable) ties
• 2 two gallon gas containers, no gas
• a pipe wrench
• a lead mallet
• a funnel
• an empty bottle of engine oil
• 2 - 3 dozens of Power/Energy bars that are so old they could be used for bricks
• a Geiger Counter
• 7 Dosimeters and 2 calibration units
• 2 different types of can openers (but no canned food)
• 2 cans of bug spray 
• 8 magnifying lenses
• 1 dozen roller ball pens
• 3 sharpies 
• 3 screw drivers
• a crescent wrench
• 5 heavy duty pocket knives
• 4 pairs of reading glasses
• 3 tire pressure gauges
• a roll of duct table
• a tape measure
• 5 mylar emergency blanket
• 2 lasers (red and green)
• 2 flashlights in assorted shapes and sizes 
• 7 cigarette lighters
• a fork, knife and spoon
• 2 calculators
• 2 AM/FM radios and 2 weather radios all double wrapped in aluminum foil
• batteries in all shapes and sizes and most are leaking
• foam ear plugs
• a socket wrench set
• and hundreds of pieces of nicotine gum and most so old they too could be used for bricks.

But NO guns or ammo <whew!>
And the icing on the cake - $300 in 20's!!!!!

I came to realize that my life is kinda divided into 30 some-odd year increments - like mortgages and T-Bills but I can't refinance or invest more.

Let's review why I think this.

• I lived life as a single person for 32 years before meeting Erich. Yes, I hade my parents, my sister, various roommates, boy friends (live in and not).
• Then I met Erich and we got married and lived a wonderful like together for 35+ years

That's TWO 30+ year segments.

I plan on living at least another 30+ years and with luck maybe (??) 40 as I would like to live to be at least 100.

​So what's instore for me, over the next 30 years??
I have my arts & crafts, I read, I have my friends, I would like to take long trip to Japan but what's hovering just over the horizon that would be new to me?? Only time will tell